Jokes about the Irish

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DRINKING

The doctor's surgery

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
- Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.


A jar of olives

McGillicuddy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, McGillicuddy started to leave. "Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what the man had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said McGillicuddy, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


Dead at the brewery

Dermot came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband's untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery. "Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer much?". " I don't think so madam; he came out three times to pee".


The Judge

The local district Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of forty euros costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?". "-Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"


The Exorcist

Murphy decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.


St Patrick and the snakes

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!


My two brothers

A man walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He asks that they be brought over to him at the table. The man drinks the pints one at a time and then leaves. This routine goes on for about two months. Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman has the three pints.
- Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

Several weeks later, the man enters the pub and orders two pints. As the bartender walks up to the table with a pint in each hand, he says. "If you don't mind my asking, have you lost one of your brother?" The man pauses for a second, sees the two pints and says, "Oh, me brothers are fine... I just quit drinking."


Two men from Galway

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
- Why, of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
- I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland".
- Of course!!, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
- Galway, comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!!", says the first man, "I'm from Galway too. Let's have another drink to Galway!!".
- Of course!! to Galway!!, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
- St Mary's, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962.
"This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too!!".

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
- "What's been going on?" he asks the barman.
- "Nothing much", replies the barman. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again".



IRISH INTELLIGENCE


Dead donkey

Finnegan sold Clancy a donkey, three weeks later they met in Murphys pub and Clancy says: "Hi Finnegan, that bloody donkey you sold me went and died".
Finnegan just sipped his pint and chirped up. "By jesus it never done that on me!!"


Ireland's worst air disaster

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


No fixed address

The Garda pulls up two drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
- I'm Paddy O'Connor, of no fixed address.
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
- I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.


Celtic Science

There was a Scot, and Irish person and a Welsh person, all scientists, discussing their fiercely independent countries' efforts to join the space race.
- We're goin' on a richt, bricht, braw nicht to Neptune, said the Scot.
- Amazing! said the Welsh scientist. We'll be goin' to Alpha Centauri, look you!
- Ah, said the Irish scientist with glee, we're doin' better than either of you, begorra! We'll be off to the sun!

The others digested this information with grave countenances. Then the Scot said, But, my wee bairn, you'll get scorched by the sun! You'll never get near it!
The Irish scientist grinned. We've planned for that, he said. We'll be goin' at night!



IRISH CATHOLICS


Confession

- "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
- The Priest asks: Is that you Timmy Shaughnessy?
- "Yes Father, it is."
- And who is the woman you were with?
- "I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
- Was it Brenda O'Malley?
- "I cannot say"
- Patricia Kelly?
- "I'll never tell"
- Was it Sheilagh O'Brien?
- "I'm sorry but I cannot name her"
- Was it Kathleen Morgan?
- "My lips are sealed"

The Priest sighs in frustation. Your a steadfast lad Timmy and I admire that. But you have sinned, therefore you cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now.

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and asks "What did you get"?
- "Three months vacation and four good leads."




Books of Irish Jokes:

Irish Pub Crack+ Irish Pub Crack
This is a collection of Irish jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts. Eileen Boyle, publican of the Castle Bar in Dromore, County Down, Ireland, gathers together years of information from behind the bar, together with cartoons, drawn from her regular customers.
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+ Irish Jokes
A collection of unpolitically correct jokes about the Irish.
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Male of a Cow: Traditional Irish Humour+ Male of a Cow: Traditional Irish Humour
Not just another collection of Irish jokes, this anthology explores the unique national topics the Irish have traditionally found to be humorous and the history of Ireland's oral tradition. With sections on the press, famous writers, and the royals, this book provides the quotes, jokes, epitaphs, and proverbs that make Ireland's national sense of humor one of a kind.
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