» Glasgow jokes
» Books of Scottish jokes
Q. Who invented the copper wire?
A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.
Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?
A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
Q: How did the Grand Canyon in Arizona come about?
A: A Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny down a gopher hole.
The Red Cross
A farmer and his family were trapped in their house in winter during the height of a severe blizzard.
The Red Cross arrived by helicopter to save them and landed on the roof.
One of the rescuers shouted down the chimney, "It's the Red Cross!"
There was a pause for a few seconds before the reply "I bought one last year!".
A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.
To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour". .
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
A. The accused.
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q. Why do pipers march when they play?
A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.
Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East.
Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.
URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
At 00.54 on Monday 23rd September 2002 a major earthquake hit measuring 4.8 on the richter scale epicentered on Glasgow.
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz sh*ttin' masel", "Ah need some jellies".
The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.
* One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:
- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains
Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
- Faggots and Buckfast
- Grey Peas and Buckfast
- Pork Scratchings and Buckfast
- Tripe and Onions and Buckfast
- "Pigs Blood Pud" and Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast
* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
Please send your credit card number.
IF 'STAR WARS' WERE SET IN GLASGOW ....
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader Would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That Dome-Heided B*****d".
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or p*** on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".
The Milennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker and a Saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your a*** every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack.
Two easy ways would be:
- Alter it's orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks.
- Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Books of Scottish Jokes:
+ Laugh Scotland
A bumper volume of contemporary and classic Scottish jokes -- from one-liners to shaggy dog stories. Hot topics include: Glasgow versus Edinburgh; Scotsmen; Scotswomen; The Scottish Parliament; kilts and bagpipes and stuff; the workplace; at home with the Scots; Scottish education; Marriage; the Scots at worship; the fitba'; the English prudence; and the wee naughty ones.
Shipping from Europe / Shipping from the USA
+ What's Under the Kilt?
When the proud nation of Scotland is mentioned what do you think of? This democratically compiled wee book, full of pretty colour pictures, lovely little illustrations and useless facts has been compiled to scotch a few myths, perpetuate a few more and provide the reader with an insightful and humorous look at the Scots.
Shipping from Europe / Shipping from the USA